I had slowly pieced together a support system, but lockdown left me alone with a disease that thrives on solitude
Every day, after every meal, my food finished, I sit feeling full. Except it is more, much more than that. I feel self-loathing. I feel fat, I feel gluttonous, and my mind equates that to worthlessness, to failure … again.
Mostly, I sit with the sensation until it passes, experience telling me that it will eventually. Despite my internal monologue screaming otherwise, I have not instantly ballooned, and my value is not tied to my last plate of food. But sometimes, in a desperate attempt to cope with the situation we all find ourselves in, I bow to my eating disorder (ED).
Sam Dalling is a solicitor based in London
In the UK, Beat can be contacted on 0808-801-0677. In the US, the National Eating Disorders Association is on 800-931-2237. In Australia, the Butterfly Foundation is at 1800 33 4673. Other international helplines can be found at Eating Disorder Hope
In the UK and Ireland, Samaritans can be contacted on 116 123 or email firstname.lastname@example.org or email@example.com. In the US, the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is 800-273-8255. In Australia, the crisis support service Lifeline is 13 11 14. Other international helplines can be found at www.befrienders.org